Weddings Should Bring out the Best in People

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Woman Planning a WeddingOver the years providing wedding rabbi services for all ceremonies, I have come across many different types of people in this world. Some are more romantic than others are. Some believe in the power of love. Others are more realistic, prone to acting with their head more so than their heart. That is fine, because no two of us are alive. That is why the world is a beautiful place so we should get in the habit of embracing our differences. That is one of my main missions when I work with a couple – bringing out their beautiful differences. If only couples would feel the same way!

Nowadays couples put too much pressure on themselves when it comes to wedding planning, with many constantly scouring social media sites like Pinterest in order to find the wedding look that “speaks” for them. This is when the stress starts to build – no dam in existence can hold it all back. The thing that I have learned after all these years is to be comfortable in your own skin and your wedding, however you want it to be, will be the perfect wedding for you and your partner. Meghan Demaria of Refinery29 learned all about it when planning her own wedding.

She writes, “Planning a wedding can be all-consuming. Meeting with vendors, finalizing a guest list, sending save-the-dates and invitations – there’s a lot of work that goes into a one-day event. But what the well-wishers won’t tell you outright is that they usually have a certain idea of how your wedding (and your relationship) should be. And if you’re not a particularly romantic person by nature (which I’m not), wedding planning can be even more difficult.”

Demaria found herself in a precarious position: Planning a wedding but not being very romantic or sentimental about it. Because of the way she is, Demaria felt more vulnerable to the ebb and flow of normal wedding planning behavior. She felt like an oddity in a world of flowers and handholding. Why should someone like her experience the magic and charm of nuptials? Commentators, or trolls, attacked her on an article she wrote about her engagement. In her words, “My story was picked up by conservative blogs that mocked me for running romance and accused me of generally being a feminist killjoy.”

That is ridiculous; nothing killjoy about who you are as a person. Wedding planning can bring out the best or the worst in a person. If you read the article in full, which I recommend you do, you will see that Demaria is not a big fan of wedding planning, but it has made her a better person: She has figured out who she is as a person and what she wants out of life. Even if that knowledge does not have all the answer, Demaria is still in a better position than she was a year ago.

At Atlanta Jewish & Interfaith Weddings, I believe that wedding planning (in addition to the ceremony and reception) should bring out the best in a couple. As your wedding officiant, I will do everything in my power to make that a reality. Contact me today for more information.

Finding Love before Valentine’s Day

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Man and Woman Walking on the BeachIt seems like we were just coming up with our resolutions for 2016 and for those of us unlucky in love or battling severe loneliness, the resolution process was a simple one: Find love by any means necessary. Well, while that is certainly a worthwhile resolution, our dedication to changing ourselves will be facing a difficult challenge in the coming weeks, especially if it involves finding love.

Yes – I am talking about Valentine’s Day, which will be here before we know it. Despite the pressure that you should not be alone on such a magnanimous day, you should be a bit pickier at who you decide to date and let into your life. This is sound advice no matter what time of the year, but quite more pertinent on the day of candy grams and flowers. Thankfully, that is the purpose of dating apps, to help thin the herd. Gareth Rubin of The Guardian believes so.

He writes, “New year, new love life. It’s a resolution that hundreds of thousands will make this month and January 2016 is expected to see the highest ever number of sign-ups to dating apps. But this year the apps are going in a new direction – instead of spreading the net as widely as possible, the new ones are all about keeping out “undesirable” people.”

That language might seem a little too harsh; using a term like undesirable, but it makes sense. After all, why waste time with someone who could never possibly receive admin access to the login of your heart? You want someone you feel you can immediately build something great with and although that might sound unrealistic, we should aim for the skies when it concerns matters of the heart, not roll around in the dirt.

To accomplish this, dating apps are now more selective than ever before. Apps like The League or Britain’s The Inner Circle are bringing together communities of high-achievers and ambitions trailblazers. These apps hope to connect lovers on things such as academic achievements or employment history. Regardless of what how you feel about dating apps, there is one is just for you – and when you do find love, look to Atlanta Jewish & Interfaith Weddings to help you progress to the next step in your story.

Keep Love in Your Heart

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Young People KissingCan love save the world? It is a nice thought, one that humanity has been having since the dawn of time.

In other words, can love and passion connect people like never before or is that all a pipe dream brought about by movies or the naïve hope we have hidden under the floorboards of our minds and hearts?

Oscar Wilde sums it up nicely: “Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.”

That might be the trick to saving the world. By keeping love in our hearts at all times, there is no chance that the world will be a sunless garden. At the very least, it might be sunnier although it still might have a couple dead flowers. Maybe we can use love to clean up the dead flowers. That was the goal of a recent viral video put out Time Out Tel Aviv.

The video depicts Israeli Jews and Arabs making out to make peace and is a response to the recent decision of Israel’s Ministry of Education to ban Borderlife, a novel about the love between an Israeli translator and a Palestinian artist. The Ministry’s decision has, expectedly so, rubbed many the wrong way, with Krithika Varagur of the Huffington Post believing the Israeli government is basically saying, “We can’t let impressionable teens read about Israeli-Palestinian relationships, because then they might go around falling in love with their fellow human beings and being insufficiently anxious about political institutions.”

Of course, there is nothing wrong with falling in love with someone different or being scared of governments, so Time Out Tel Aviv brought together couples, friends, strangers, and others to make out in front of the camera, the one catch being that each pair had to contain an Arab or a Jewish person. So far, the video has garnered more than 300,000 views. You can view it below.

We Are the Music-Makers, and We Are the Dreamers of Dreams

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Picking a Song on the JukeboxNow that 2016 is here, every one of us is determined to make the New Year as successful as it can possibly be. We wake up on January 1 as determined as ever, willing to do whatever it takes to be a new person, putting in the hard work to better our lives and the world all around us. Whatever you didn’t have in 2015 you want in 2016. Whatever you failed to accomplish in 2015 you will accomplish in 2016. For some of us, that means falling in love, finding that special someone to share your soul with, someone that will help you transform your heart into a bounce house where feelings are constantly bouncing up and down.

It is important for us to fall in love. Mari Ruti of Psychology Today writes, “I think that love ushers us to frequencies of human life that we might find difficult to access otherwise. It opens to something more transcendent than the ordinary flow of life, summoning us, precisely to a different (and potentially more interesting) edition of ourselves.”

A different, more interesting edition of ourselves? Isn’t that why we make resolutions to become different and more interesting? Of course, that’s what they are. So love improves us as humans – that much we can agree on. That is why people get married, to have a permanent, soulful agreement be better people or, at the very least, to always be striving for that. Experiencing true love isn’t the hard part; finding it is, which explains all those dating websites popping up all across the inter webs. One such site that is making an impact is Tastebuds where you can meet new people who share your taste in music. Is music that important though?

According to Adelaide Andrews of Thump, the answer is yes. She writes, “When it comes to dating, there are plenty of factors affecting compatibility. We scrutinize potential partners based on how they dress, what movies they like, and of course, the contents of their iPod.”

Many things connect two hearts together and music is one of them. At Atlanta Jewish & Interfaith Weddings, I have seen people bond over music. Sometimes the music of our souls responds to literal music. What is always on rotation in the jukebox beating inside you? Maybe you need to simply open up your ears and listen to the world around you. Maybe you will hear the music of falling in love.

Meditate through the Muck of Love

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Legs of a Man Jogging on the BeachAnother day, another night, another article about finding love. For some, this means finding love again. With all these articles and tips on how to find love, you would expect that the heart is like a fabled city of gold or something, as if love was born from legend and transformed into myth. I would like to inform you that love is no myth; it is definitely real, something tangible, something you can touch and, if you are lucky, hold.

Why then do people feel that love is so elusive, like Bigfoot? Maybe it is because the world forces it into us at an early age that love is something to strive for, something that we all deserve. This puts a lot of pressure on us, especially around this time of the year, when it seems like the sky is giant mistletoe and everyone is kissing under it except for you. It can be rough, but not all hope is lost. You have to try to understand that you are not alone in feeling this way. Others feel as you do and that means you have to exhibit empathy and compassion.

According to Deb Besinger of Huff Post, “Compassion for yourself and others goes a long way in looking for love again. Dating is a mindful practice, when and if you are able to do it with some self-reflection, be willing to learn your lessons and look at the process as a grand learning adventure. Of course when I first started dating again after I completed my 18-year marriage, I was fairly clueless and had no idea what I was doing yet.”

Despite her almost two decade marriage, Deb was still lost when it came to the crazy world of love, proving that no one is that skilled when it comes to matters of the heart. Viewing dating as a mindful practice, akin to something that is religious is a fascinating one. You have to meditate through the muck so to speak and around this time of the year, there is a lot of muck.

Prayers for Peace in a Broken World

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DepressionWhen you hear the phrase ‘the terrifying ticking time bomb’, chances are you don’t take it seriously. In the Western world, we have grown accustomed to our first world problems, getting all hot and bothered over inconsequential things such as what’s on your coffee cup or the speed of your online movie buffering. Sure, we have our fair share of severe problems, and I don’t want to make light of these things, such as economic disparity or massive social inequality, but the last few months have opened up millions of eyes in America, especially when it comes to the rage and sadness buried deep inside the human race. Tragedies in San Bernardino, Paris, and the ongoing Syrian Civil War have created a dark night of the soul for humanity and the anxiety has forced all of us from our homes whether we realize it or not.

We must do all we can to help this broken world. Isn’t that the true meaning of the holiday season, why we celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, and others? We must unite like never before, transform ourselves into prayers for peace in a broken world. That would be the best gift this holiday season. At Atlanta Jewish & Interfaith Weddings, I help bring people together in the name of love. Whether it is a traditional Jewish Wedding, Interfaith Wedding, or LGBT Wedding, it is my honor to be involved in your special day, to assist your hearts in the unification process. I play a little role in sending love into the world and that is something I take a great deal of pride in. I guess you could say that what I do is similar to what John Lennon did in his life through his music. Two days ago, on December 8, we observed the 35th anniversary of his unfortunate death and many publications reflected on what Lennon did for the world, one such publication being Big Think in this article.

In honor of his memory, Lori Chandler analyzed 7 of his songs and applied their meanings to life today. One song sticks out in particular and that’s 1967’s “With A Little Help From My Friends,” the classic from Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. She writes, “The sentiment is that even though we feel afraid or alone at times, it is through our friends that we are “gonna try” to keep going. The late ‘60s were a time of intense violence and uncertainty, not unlike today. The truth of this song is that everyone, from Lennon to you and me, needs social support to feel better.”

That is a great breakdown of the song and it is a message that is at the heart of what I do at Atlanta Jewish & Interfaith Weddings. Although the world is a terrifying ticking time bomb, we can make it with a little help from our friends. That is something to keep in mind this holiday season.

Cupid Is Burdened by Debt

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Credit Card and EyeglassesLove is a beautiful thing and everyone on our great crazy planet deserves to feel it on a daily basis, especially this time of the year, when the holidays coalesce around our hearts and demands that we feel something, anything, and if not, we are somehow less human. This can be hard. After all sometimes it seems as if love is impossible to come by, that the world, or maybe fate and destiny, has it out for us, that the powers that be has no interest in us feeling any sort of fulfillment when it comes to love.

In the last few blog posts, we have talked about ghosting, finding love after 40, being single during the holidays, and much, much more. Why does love have to be so difficult? We are given the breath of life and should always be interlocking breaths with the people around us, inhalers with beating hearts ready to help everyone breathe a little easier, because isn’t that what life is all about? In an ideal sense, yes, but idealism can only take you so far, especially when it comes finances and credit scores. Not very romantic, is it?

In this WFAA-TV article, Jason Wheeler discusses how important credit scores are when you are dating and looking for that special someone. CEO of Match.com Sam Yagan says, “When we have done research just beyond what we ask for in the app, we find debt is one of those deal-breakers; almost as strong as smoking and kids.”

That is all well and good; of course the CEO of Match.com would know the truth of what people are looking for, but the issue of love, dating, and credit scores has now piqued the interest of researchers and scientists. A recent paper entitled Credit Scores and Committed Relationships put out by the Federal Reserve Board explores the subject more intently.

Wheeler writes, “They back it up with formulas, some of which stretch across an entire page. One of the equations purports to mathematically demonstrate what researchers characterized as overwhelming evidence that individuals with lower credit scores made people less likely to get into and remain in committed relationships.”

Nowadays it seems that when Cupid’s arrow hits something, it’s not someone’s heart, but someone’s credit history.

Breaking up with a Ghost

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Woman Haunting HouseBreakups are tough; there is no way around that fact, but over the last decade or so, they have gotten exponentially tougher – and we can point the finger at one cause: the rapid rise in technology and social media. This makes sense, because when it comes to social media, your ex is somehow always in the picture and it is tough to know when it is time to cut the cord. You almost have to go through a second breakup, a digital breakup so to speak – and that can be nastier than the “real” breakup. It is dizzying to say the least.

Since relationships have evolved alongside technology, breakups have as well, which is why we have terms like “ghosting,” described by many as the ultimate silent treatment. “Ghosting” someone has been around for a while, but only with the advent of social media and texting has it taken on a more powerful new meaning, as if your entire existence becomes haunted. It is even affecting the posh celebrity crowd, as reported in The New York Times.

Valeriya Safronova writes, “It was not long ago that Sean Penn and Charlize Theron were a happy couple: appearing together at fashion shows and film festivals, hugging on the beach. Recently, though, it was reported that Ms. Theron had stopped responding to Mr. Penn’s calls and text messages. She was “ghosting” him.”

If an A-list celebrity like Sean Penn can be a victim of ghosting, anyone can, but you might be wondering what ghosting actually is. Well, it means your partner or your ex (it depends on the situation) simply stops responding to your texts, social media messages, or calls. It is as if they fell off the face of the planet. Certainly, this is no way to end a relationship, but it happens quite frequently nowadays. Many feel, and probably rightfully so, that technology has made all this worse.

Safronova adds, “Whether this behavior has become more predominant with the advent of technology is debatable, but perhaps now it stings more, since there are so many ways to see our beloved interacting with other people while ignoring you. The rise of apps like Tinder and Grindr, and the impression they give that there is always someone else – literally – around the corner, is certainly empowering to ghosts.”

A sad state of affairs when we have to ghost the ones we love or no longer love, but is that any way to treat a fellow human being? Why are we turning our passion into a haunted house where ghosts are always floating around you like sneeze particles? Has technology taken us down a road of death? Is there is no way to turn back? These are tough questions to answer, but it seems that technology has made the already-difficult world of relationships a little more difficult.

Respond with Music, Love, and Compassion

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I, like the entire world, was heartbroken over the Paris attacks last Friday. The world can be an ugly place and that was on full display over the weekend. The heinous terrorist attacks that claimed 129 lives and threw civilization into a state of hellish panic was a stark reminder that there is evil in the world, that it will not stop until it gets whatever it wants, that we must do everything in our power to stick together to get through these tough and strange times.

Our collective heart must continue to beat, beat loudly like an angelic drumline. We must open up our minds to the better angels of our nature so that they can fly in and help us overcome anger, help us spread love everywhere we go. Maybe that is the purpose of music, its mission statement, its modus operandi. Music will never go down without a fight. Then again, no force can put music “down.” Music after all might be the best defense we have against all the evil of this world. Some have even claimed that what happened in Paris was a declaration of war on music, the things that we love, the things that make life worth living.

In a radio interview with Irish DJ Dave Fanning, Bono said, “Our first thoughts at this point are with the Eagles of Death Metal fans. If you think about it, the majority of victims last night are music fans. This is the first direct hit on music that we’ve had in this so-called War on Terror or whatever it’s called. It’s very upsetting. These are our people. This could be me at a show. You at a show, in that venue. It’s a very recognizable situation for you and for me and the coldblooded aspect of this slaughter is deeply disturbing and that’s what I can’t get out of my head.”

“Deeply disturbing” is an understatement, but yes, the attacks could be construed as a direct hit on music. Most of the deaths occurred at Paris’ Bataclan venue when terrorists opened fire on the crowd and took more than 100 people hostage. There was a concert going on, American band Eagles of Death Metal was playing to a packed house. The band is clearly horrified and still trying to understand why. Recently, they issued a statement about the events that occurred.

On their website, they write, “Although bonded in grief with the victims, the fans, the families, the citizens of Paris and all those affected by terrorism, we are proud to stand together with our new family, now united by a common goal of love and compassion.”

That might be the most important thing to extract from the tragedy: love and compassion. We need to let those two things take center stage. If this is indeed an attack on music, then we must respond with music and what is music without love and compassion?

 

Finding Love after 40

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Older CoupleWhen you’re young and naive, it’s easy to fall in love. That’s because to be naïve is to be ignorant… and ignorance is bliss. When you’re young you need little more than a pretty face and a nice smile to keep you happy. But as you mature and gain the knowledge it means to be a happy and fulfilled person, you learn you need something more from a relationship than physical attraction.

When you’re forty, you have matured to a level you know what’s best for you. At the same time, you still enjoy relatively youthful good looks. So for some, this is the best time to be single. You know what to avoid to protect yourself from heartbreak, betrayal, and just downright incompatible people.

But the reason it typically becomes increasingly difficult to find love the older you get is it because it’s increasingly difficult to surrender more of yourself. You develop a degree of integrity you aren’t as willing to surrender as you may have once been. Your values and principles don’t have a price—as they once may have had—if it means compromising for another’s happiness.

As a much more mature being, you’re subsequently much more critical and judgmental. This closed mindset might just be a curse. You have a much smaller dating pool—naturally due to your limited age range—but also because of your selected criteria. But you can also consider it a blessing because you know what you want and are not willing to settle for anything less.